And now Billie Eilish is here to sing No Time to Die, a film she conservatively recorded 25 years ago. Since she was singing this in public long before the film was postponed again and again, you could forgive it for being a little boring. But, look, nobody has popped up in the middle of it to rap about how much they love the Oscars, so it gets a pass from me.

And from that to this. The beleaguered fan favorite ‘category’, which includes clips of Zack Snyder films and Johnny Depp films and that godawful Cinderella movie. Soon one of these will actually win a thing, and I can’t help wondering whether the whole fiasco should have been replaced by a message condemning the evils of the internet.

Sian Heder wins an Oscar for her script, which is adapted from a 204 French film. This is possibly just the start for Coda, which has the potential to be this year’s little film that could. Heder’s speech is essentially a long thank you list, but it ends with her hugging her signature. It’s lovely.

For Belfast. And this is his first Oscar, which seems wrong. His speech is rousing, but brief, possibly because he seems as surprised as anyone else that he won.

Wanda Sykes is back, dressed as Will Smith in King Richard. Regina Hall is back, dressed as Jessica Chastain in The Eyes of Tammy Faye. Amy Schumer is back, dressed as Spider-Man. Why? Because – and I think I’m getting this right – it’s the 15th anniversary of Juno. What’s going on? Have I banged my head?

OK, this isn’t a faithful performance of the song at all, since most of it seems to be Megan Thee Stallion rapping about how much she likes the Oscars. And one of the choruses has had its lyrics changed to “Celebrate Oscars”. And the best bits of the song were nowhere to be seen.

What a weird ceremony this is. It shifts a load of awards offscreen, then gives all of them to the most commercially successful film nominated, then fills the time saved with dumb clips of The Flash entering The Speed ​​Force. And then – and THEN – it takes the most popular song of the year and renders it unrecognizable through the power of self-congratulation. This is the most public display of self-sabotage I have ever seen.

And now the moment the Oscars thinks you’ve all been waiting for: We Don’t Talk About Bruno.

Jenny Beavan wins, because of course she does. Not only is Cruella a film that’s explicitly about nice dresses, but Jenny Beavan is the bee’s knees. In her speech, she references the last time she went to the Oscars, and everyone got sniffy about her outfit. This time, though, she’s greeted as a returning hero.

Oh, hang on, she’s being played off. MORE UPSETTING MISTREATMENT OF BEAVAN.

There is now a moment of reflection for the people of Ukraine. Earlier there had been talk that President Zelenskyy would make an appearance, but instead we just get some text on a screen. Which is probably for the best, since appearing on an industry awards show wouldn’t exactly have been the best use of Zelenskyy’s time right now.

Ariana DeBose wins for West Side Story – full story

And now Reba McEntire is singing Somehow You Do from Four Good Days. This is because it was written by Diane Warren, and it’s now Oscar tradition to nominate Diane Warren for every song she writes, but then never to actually give her anything.

And we have our first awkward play-off moment of the night. Ryusuke Hamaguchi, the writer/director of this Japanese take on a Haruki Murakami short story, making his speech in English, finishes his first sentence with enough of a flourish to cause people to applaud. And, in turn, that causes the band to start playing. For a second it looks as if he’s been beaten, but then Hamaguchi heroically halts them with an annoyed shush.

The announcer just said something along the lines of ‘Coming up, a celebration of the 50th anniversary of The Godfather’. Given who they got to commemorate James Bond earlier, I’m genuinely excited about this. Who’s going to introduce it? Vin Diesel? A WWE tag team? A big wet lump of clay? I’m on the edge of my seat here.

There was never any doubt. Greeted by a standing ovation of audience members clapping in sign language, deaf actor Kotsur – the warm heart of Coda, a domestic drama about a hearing-impaired family on the east coast – is funny and touching and brilliant. He has the whole audience in the palm of his hand, and even appears to move his own interpreter to tears, which isn’t something I think I’ve seen before. And a pretty sterling Popeye impersonation to boot. Tremendous.